The Infamous Human Golf Game
If you had asked me my thoughts about golf before I probably would have responded with a blank stare, and an "ehhhh" noise. Perhaps you - reader, feel similarly. Rest assured these improvements we've made on golf will have even the most apathetic person suddenly interested
Last year I collaborated on a group performance at my favourite queer, kinky, and general weirdo event, Bathhouse and Bodyworks. Originally named Bed B*thhouse & B*yond, (name obscured for legal purposes) though if memory serves correct they had to change the name because the event runner received a Cease & Desist from the home decor company of a similar name. This wonderful event takes place at Oasis Aqualounge, that is self described as an adult water-themed playground that has a sauna and heated pool. The Theme of this particular event was golf, aptly named Hole in One.
For this interactive fetish performance we had 6 performers which were as follows:
Lord Humperdink, our resident evil genius and host with the gameshow host voice to boot.
Camden Peach, sentient waifu pillow and kink offspring of super masochist Bob Flanagan, and for this purpose of this game Golf Hole #1: The Ass Hole. Not to be confused with asshole, Cam is absolutely lovely and just very excellent with their ass.
Myself, Domina Dali, loony, leather-clad Putt Butt Bully, aka "The Sand Trap".
Carlee Jones, Pro Pain and Pro pain accessories aka Golf Hole #2: The Pussy Hole.
Purrrty Much, Hyper Squirrel Drag Creature and Golf course meanie, aka the "The Rough".
Petrakore magical forest creature and Golf Hole #3: The Mouth Hole.
Unfortunately we could not take photos or videos of the performance, so you will have to imagine it old school based on my description. So my dear readers, we had our three lovely golf holes lined up across the stage in various positions according to orifice, with golfing greens and speculums or gags attached to them. Our gameshow host then went on to interview each golf hole which went something like:
"Golf Hole #1, tell me a little about yourself."
"Hi! I'm Golf Hole # 1 and I enjoy long walks on the beach and going to the playground to pick up Daddies."
We then invited 3 contestants from the audience to come up onto the stage to compete in this ridiculous and silly game of human golf. And the game commenced! Each excited and nervous golfer, often never having played golf before, struggling to get through each hole. When they missed it was the job of the "The Rough" and I, "The Sand Trap", to harrass, bully, and otherwise fuck with their "balls". We would consensually hit them with golfing sticks or I as I later learned were called "drivers" or "clubs". Sometimes we would ask them insane trivia questions of which there was truly no correct answer. I recall asking,
"What is the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods?"
[awkward pause] "Umm... I don't know.."
"Tiger Woods has a better driver"
The audience laughed and groaned.
Our fair contestants continued on in their quest to be the champion of this salacious and loony fetish game of human golf. One of our contestants, being a bad sport grew frustrated at their lack of golfing finesse aaannndd.... perhaps maybe our ridiculous rules and lashed out on stage including shouting "This is not how golf works!" No, no, this is really not how golf works contestant #2. The audience booed and was ejected off stage. This game of course is all tongue in cheek and not meant to be serious at all. A way to objectify those who enjoy it. An excuse to spank and punish people, all the while having a totally engaged and entertained audience have a little vacation from the seriousness of life.
With 2 contestants left on the final hole, The Mouth Hole, for those who care. Our contestants yet again found themselves in the throws of the Putt Butt obstacle bullies. I forget if I had ran out of trivia questions or if I just thought it would be funny but I asked the horrid Princess Diana question again. Which was met with another awkward silence, broken by the audience shouting out "BETTER DRIVER! BETTER DRIVER!" Which our poor contestant ended up saying. TO which I responded with "Well, you're a horrible person". I was a sand TRAP after all.
I don't remember much after that, this was about a year ago. I couldn't tell you who won or what they won if anything at all aside from the experience of course. I did snap a few BTS pictures with permission for your viewing pleasure.