• Domina Dali

An Argument for Femdom

Last year I got to teach a workshop on Protocol at an all weekend educational event and play party in Windsor, Ontario. At the end of the weekend one of the organizer's of this excellent event approached me about teaching another workshop for next year. She requested a class on Femdom. Admittedly I thought, how the hell do I teach a class on Femdom? I decided to oblige, given the fact I would have an entire year to prepare, and femdom is an essential aspect of being a dominatrix.


I can easily teach a class on Domination, on power exchange, the different skills you can use as a top, but *female* dominance specifically, was going to be a challenge. One I was very curious to accept. I know that these classes do exist but to me, at the time, Femdom was simply a Femme Domme, a female or feminine dominant. To me it's the same as saying female doctor. Surely, all doctors are doing the same thing right? The question of femdom marinated in the back of my mind over the next several months.


As someone who doesn't identify with being a woman, I can't deny that I live in an undeniably female body. I absolutely use that to my advantage and I use it against you (insert winky face). I use all the right female, femdom, dominatrix, prodomme with the extra "m,e" search terms to be found. This is how I'm viewed, this is how I present, so it just makes sense. Most people don't care and I don't expect them to, and personally, I'm just as ambivalent. The majority of actual paying clients aren't going to read this, our time together is an escape and it's perfect that way. So whoever is here reading this, you're a big nerd! I say this as a term of endearment.


All these thoughts on gender and femdom bring me back to a particularly odd moment in my life a few years ago. At the time I was estranged from my family and really struggling to get by. Hustling ALL the time. My father died, and somehow I ended up being a pallbearer. I didn't have anything appropriate to wear and someone lent me some clothes and a pair of leather open-toe heels. And, in these heels, with the help of others, I carried the weight of my father in his casket. They were wedges to be exact, I'm not insane. Something about it all just hit different. We were all carrying the casket, but I was carrying it in heels. Being a Dominatrix means I get to do all the cool stuff the guys on kink.com and insex do AND I do it in heels.


You may be thinking, what the fuck does that actually mean? I'm really pushing myself here to view things in terms of female/male instead of dom/sub so bare with me. If we look at the typical insex/kink.com scenario you'll find a helpless woman being abused and tortured by a man. The male dom so overcome with desire to use these women, the women become helpless receptacles to it all. In the fantasy, they have no say, their own desires meaningless. (In reality, the female sub has a strong desire to be used as well.) Following this, femdom becomes an expression of male desire being reversed on itself. The male so overcome with desire that they become powerless to it, empowering the femdom.


Female objectification is the current in most scenarios. The current of power can run either way. This is not to say that men are never objectified, or women don't have their own desires. My point is that the objectification of women is the common theme. I've had a phrase running through my head since my second ever session. My first session was with a woman, my second was with a man and perhaps that had something to do with it. I use it as a sort of branding catchphrase now. "The Doll that plays with you". I have found prodomming to be a deeply objectifying and occasionally disempowering aspect to professional work as compared to my lifestyle connections. When I made that paradigm shift of taking the ways I was being objectified and throwing it back on itself , then I become empowered and began to truly identify with femdom.


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